Conflict is a natural part of life. In every relationship we have there will always be a difference of opinion. Sometimes we let it go and other times our passion takes over. It can happen in our personal relationships, at work, or even with strangers. While conflict can be uncomfortable, it doesn’t have to be destructive. In fact, if handled constructively, conflict can be an opportunity for growth and understanding.
How do we grow in these times? How do we end without feeling completely defeated or angry? It’s not always easy, but there are ways to hopefully find a outcome that both parties can feel good about.
When Keith and I first started dating, one of the first things we discussed was communication. We talked about its importance in helping us to stay connected and decreasing conflict. We also discussed how we would disagree. In fact, I would say we set some rules and guidelines on how we would navigate our fights. It seems silly, but it paved the way for us to have significantly healthier discussions.
To set guidelines and find a healthier way to do things, we need to first identify why we fight and what we might be doing wrong in these times. Essentially, are we fighting fair? Let’s take a look.
Common Things We Fight About
People fight about a variety of things, but some of the most common sources of conflict include:
- Money: Disagreements about finances, such as budgeting, spending, saving, and debt, are a frequent source of tension.
- Household Chores: Unequal division of labor, differing expectations regarding housework, and disagreements about cleanliness standards can lead to conflict.
- Communication: Poor communication, including lack of listening, defensiveness, and criticism, can erode intimacy and lead to frequent arguments.
- In-laws: Disagreements about how to interact with in-laws, spending time with them, and their involvement in the relationship can be a source of contention.
- Sex and Intimacy: Differences in sexual desire, intimacy needs, and communication about sexual matters can lead to conflict.
- Time: Disagreements about how much time to spend together can be a common source of conflict in relationships.
It’s important to remember that these are just some of the common areas of conflict in relationships. Everyone is different, and the specific issues they face will vary.
Here are some key rules for fair fighting
- Focus on “I” Statements: Instead of blaming your partner (“You always…”), express your feelings using “I” statements. For example, instead of saying “You always make me feel ignored,” try “I feel ignored when…”
- Communicate Clearly. Be clear and concise about what you’re thinking and feeling. Avoid using accusatory language or making generalizations.
- Active Listening: Truly listen to your partner’s words, without interrupting or getting defensive. Not sure what active listening looks like? Check out our post here!
- Perspective: Trying to understand your partner’s perspective, even if you don’t agree with it, is crucial for resolving conflict constructively.
- Stay Calm and Respectful: It’s important to remain calm when you’re in a conflict. If you get angry, it will be difficult to think clearly and rationally. If you insult, it will be hard for them to stay calm and open to hearing you.
- Take Breaks: If emotions are running high, take a break from the conversation to cool down.
- Stick to the Present: We often use the past as ammunition. Avoid bringing up past grievances or making generalizations. Focus on what the today issue is.
- Find Common Ground: Look for areas of agreement and work together towards a solution.
- Compromise and Find Solutions: You are not in this to “win”. You are here to find a way to work together. The goal of conflict resolution is to find a solution that works for everyone involved. This may require some creativity and negotiation.
- End on a Positive Note: Even if you don’t resolve the issue immediately, end the conversation with a positive note and a commitment to continue the discussion later.
- Don’t be afraid to seek help. If you’re having trouble resolving a conflict on your own, don’t be afraid to seek help from a trusted friend, family member, therapist, or mediator.
Fair fighting is a skill that takes practice.
It’s important to remember that it’s okay to disagree. If you can, your very first thought should be that you love this person, and the goal in dealing with conflict is not to hurt them. The goal is to find a way to respect one another, even in moments of difficulty. By following these rules, you can navigate conflicts more effectively and strengthen your relationships.
Additional tips
- Choose your battles wisely. Not every conflict is worth fighting. Sometimes it’s best to let things go. I often take 24 hours to decide if what bothered me then still bothers me the next day. If so, then it’s up for discussion.
- Celebrate your successes. When you’re able to resolve a conflict successfully, take a moment to celebrate your accomplishment.
Conflict is a part of life, but it doesn’t have to be destructive. By following these tips, you can learn to resolve conflict constructively and build stronger relationships.
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