I never thought in my years of raising my kids that I would be in this place. I remember thinking, “How does it happen that a parent and child get to the point of not speaking?” It seemed crazy to me that relationships between the two could get to a point that the two would not speak. And then, it was me. I was in the exact situation that I could never have imagined I would be in. So, just a little backstory here.
How Did It Get To This
I went through a messy divorce. Not financially, but emotionally for all. There was no fighting over money, or time with the kids, they were all older. The emotional toll on me, and my kiddos, I have no doubt, is one we will forever be navigating. I tried hard to handle myself well, and do what was right for my kids, but there are always missteps. We are both human. Unfortunately, after all was said and done, there was hurt. Not just for my kids, but me as well.
That time and the aftermath, brought me to where I find myself today with our relationships. It’s been a whirlwind of good and bad, coming together and then falling apart again. Some relationships have been restored, but others still sit in the ugly (as I call it). Is it painful? You bet it is!
But, over the last few years, I have learned to navigate it better than I thought I would, or could. You see, you have to find your way to that place of healing and peace, or you just might go crazy from the heartbreak. Because heartbreaking it is. Don’t get me wrong, I have not written any of those relationships off. Instead, I pray each day for full restoration of all those relationships, but I cannot sacrifice the rest of my days for them.
Am I Alone?
What I also found out was parent-child estrangement had happened to more people than I could have ever imagined. Over the last few years, I have encountered more people who are walking this road. It looks different for everyone, and results, no matter how hard you try, will never be the same as someone else. What is the same? Every parent I speak with is in pain, and looking for ways to manage. My answer is always the same, you never give up on them, you always keep trying, and in the interim you love them from afar. While doing that, you live your life!
How did I get to that place where I don’t live in the heartbreak of those relationships? I first needed to understand it, then develop coping skills to live it. Here are some things I have done, and still do today, that make a difference for me.
Understanding Estrangement
Estrangement refers to a prolonged period of emotional or physical separation between a parent and child. It can arise from a variety of factors, including:
- Communication Breakdown: Misunderstandings, disagreements, or a lack of effective communication can contribute to estrangement.
- Unresolved Conflicts: Past traumas, unresolved conflicts, or deep-seated resentments can create distance. Remember, their perception is their reality, which can contribute to these conflicts.
- Differing Values or Beliefs: Significant differences in values, beliefs, or lifestyle choices can strain relationships.
- Parental Neglect or Abuse: Neglect or abuse can lead to deep-seated emotional wounds that make it difficult to maintain a healthy relationship.
Consequences of Estrangement
Estrangement can have profound emotional and psychological consequences for both parents and children. These may include:
- Grief and Loss: The experience of estrangement can feel like a loss, leading to feelings of sadness, anger, and guilt.
- Loneliness and Isolation: Estrangement can leave individuals feeling isolated and disconnected from their loved ones.
- Self-Blame and Shame: Both parents and children may blame themselves for the estrangement, leading to feelings of shame and self-doubt.
- Health Issues: Estrangement can have negative impacts on mental and physical health.
Steps Toward Healing
While healing from estrangement can be a challenging process, it is possible. Here are some steps that individuals can take:
- Acknowledge the Pain: Acknowledge the pain and emotions associated with the estrangement.
- Seek Support: Reach out to friends, family, or a therapist for emotional support.
- Practice Self-Care: Prioritize self-care activities to promote emotional well-being. See my article, Panera Love, on how I started this process for myself.
- Consider Mediation or Therapy: A neutral third party can help facilitate communication and explore potential solutions.
- Write a Letter: Expressing your feelings in a letter can be a helpful way to process emotions.
- Set Boundaries: Establish healthy boundaries to protect yourself from further emotional harm.
Remember: Healing from estrangement takes time and patience. It’s important to focus on your own well-being and avoid blaming or judging yourself or the other person. With time, patience, and support, it is possible to find healing and reconciliation.
If you are struggling with parent-child estrangement, please know that you are not alone. Seek support from friends, family, or a mental health professional. I found PEAC International a great resource for me.
Today I spend my days enjoying however many I have left on this beautiful Earth. I take care of me, and continue to work on what I need to so that, hopefully one day, I will see those relationships restored. Find peace and joy in each day, and feel free to reach out if you see yourself in this post.
