Adult Kids
Kids! I have four adult kiddos, and 3 bonus ones. I love them more than the breath I take each day. When they were growing up, it amazed me how much I loved being their mom. It surprised me because I never thought I had the desire to be a mom. I didn’t babysit or see kids and think they were so cute. I figured I would be one of those women who married and never had kids.
But obviously, children were in the cards for me and there has never been one regret. They are all awesome in so many ways I could never count. When they were little, they needed me, but as they got older they got more independent. Independence can be freeing for a parent because you now have freedom you hadn’t had in a while. It’s also crazy scary!
Why is it scary, you ask? It was time to start letting go. I was terrified I had not done my job well enough as a mom. Did I teach them how to make the wisest choices? Would they say no to drinking? Could they manage their homework, so their grades stay good. The list of worries was endless. I had to have faith I had done my best to guide them.
Fortunately, they turned out to be great kids! I can’t say whether it had a whole lot to do with me or not. They had some rough spots, but they all did very well, and I am super proud of all of them. And then, they reached adulthood, and it was time for me to let go. Let them live their life. How to manage that new season was extremely hard for me.
The Empty Nest Syndrome
It’s normal to experience a range of emotions when your children leave home. Feelings of sadness, loneliness, and a sense of loss are common. You might question your purpose or feel a void in your daily routine. It’s important to acknowledge these feelings and give yourself permission to grieve the end of one chapter, and the beginning of another.
Feeling Lost
One thing I know is no one ever prepared me for the loss I would feel when my kids were living their own lives. It was hard!!! I was trying my best to maneuver this new path, but it was not lit or lined, so I would know where to go. I used to talk to my kids daily, and now it was weekly. They used to come talk about things, and now they had others’ ears to listen. They would ask for guidance, and now they were making their own choices. Did you hear me say it was hard?! And I was sad. Was this what “empty nest” syndrome was?
Let me be clear, I was happy they were doing their own thing, but sad that I knew less about it. The craving for them to never leave wasn’t the issue. I enjoyed doing my own things. It was the quiet I wasn’t used to. The voices that were no longer there. The feeling they no longer needed me. I felt I had lost purpose. For so long, I was a mom first, and now who was I?
This by far was one of the most difficult seasons I had experienced. Was this normal? I wasn’t sure. My kids had a difficult few years through our divorce and I didn’t know if this was because of something I had done or was it normal?
What’s normal?
My divorce was not pretty for anyone, especially my kids. They paid a lot through it, and every day I continue to pray for their healing and forgiveness. I questioned many times if the silence of the season was because of these issues. To this day, I know that some of it was, and we continue to work through those things. I questioned whether I was still doing things all wrong, and they didn’t want anything to do with me?
But I learned as well that this was also very normal. This is what this season looks like. It varies for some people, but the constants that people tell me include feeling a loss of purpose and not knowing what lies next for someone. I also hear that loneliness tops the list. Now what?
Outside the norm
So a side note here… For those who went through a less than pretty divorce. There was time in this season that was not normal for the typical “kids leaving home” season. There was time of estrangement from my kids. That was hard. It was sad. I cried a lot and the pain some days was unbearable. If I had to ever explain to someone I can only say it felt like my heart was ripping from my chest. I hurt for my kids and myself. These times were a bit outside normal, but we managed through. I did have to learn to separate this estrangement from the everyday feelings one has when your kids are grown.
So if these events, which they often do, coincide, try to see the difference between the normal events of this season and the crazy that can come from the mess of divorce. My advice…..give it time. Be honest with your children. Reach out to them, but don’t nag. Patience is key. Be respectful of them and their feelings. Their truth is their reality, whether we intend it that way or not. Love them through this season. Relationships take time to rebuild. Some of mine have come the full circle and others are still in the works. But I have faith and I will hold on because I love them. More than they will ever know.
Tips for Coping
So, I had to find some tools to cope with what I was feeling. The day your child spreads their wings and leaves the nest is undoubtedly a bittersweet milestone. While it’s a cause for celebration as they embark on new adventures, it can also be a challenging transition for parents. Let’s explore the common emotions and strategies for coping with this significant life change.
- Embrace the change: Understand that your relationship with your children will evolve over time. Embrace the new dynamics and find joy in their independence.
- Reconnect with your partner: Spend quality time with your spouse or partner. Rediscover shared interests and hobbies.
- Cultivate new hobbies: Explore new activities and passions that you’ve put on hold while raising children.
- Build new relationships: Spend time with friends, join clubs, or volunteer to create a support network.
- Self-care: Prioritize your physical and mental well-being through exercise, meditation, or relaxation techniques. Be sure to check out our post on self-care, and ways to prioritize it in your life.
- Maintain connections: Stay connected with your children through regular communication, but respect their independence.
DISCOVER NEW THINGS
Finding New Purpose
The empty nest can also be an opportunity for personal growth and rediscovery. You may find yourself with more time and energy to pursue your own interests. Consider taking up a new hobby, returning to school, or volunteering. This can help you find a new sense of purpose and fulfillment.
I learned that I needed to learn how this new season was going to be. Were the once a week calls going to be the norm, or would they end up being more often? Weekly dinners or monthly? Would I ever know what was going on with them.
Weeks of research and discussion (more like moaning and groaning with other parents) later I know that it will be forever changing, and for now, they are adulting the best they know how. They are learning how this season works as well. You see….it’s new for them too. It might be sad for me but it’s exciting for them. They finally get to do their own thing and make their own choices. Who wouldn’t want that?
How It Looks Now
I learned as well, that the relationship I have with my children now, is completely different. Our conversations are adult conversations, they are about worldly things and also the smaller things in life. We are discussing their jobs and their bills they are learning to manage. They ask for advice more often now, but it looks different, and my response is different. It’s less absolute and more coaching. I know now that there will be times that phone call is less often and other times we speak daily. We talk about their relationships in life as long-term verses day-long.
I have learned to love this season and be excited about the next. Some days after spending time with my kids, I sit back, and I’m in awe of how much they have grown and how incredible they are today. Take some time to appreciate this season and enjoy these moments!
It’s Okay to Ask for Help
As your children transition into adulthood and establish their own lives, it’s essential to evolve your relationship to maintain a strong bond. Here are some tips for navigating this new chapter:
- Set healthy boundaries: While you want to be supportive, it’s important to establish clear boundaries. This includes respecting their privacy, avoiding overstepping, and allowing them to make their own decisions.
- Open communication: Maintain open and honest communication with your adult children. Create a safe space for them to share their thoughts and feelings without judgment.
- Quality time: Make an effort to spend quality time together, even if it’s just a phone call or video chat. Focus on creating shared experiences and building new memories.
- Support their dreams: Encourage and support your children’s goals and aspirations. Celebrate their successes and offer guidance when needed. Remember, your dreams for them may look different than their dreams for themselves, and that’s ok.
If you’re struggling to cope with the empty nest, don’t hesitate to seek support. Talking to friends, family, or a therapist can provide valuable insights and coping strategies. Support groups can also be a helpful resource for connecting with others who are experiencing similar emotions.
Remember, the empty nest is a new chapter in your life, and it’s an opportunity for growth and personal development. With time and support, you can embrace this transition and create a fulfilling and meaningful life.
